Willie Parker. Willie-Bleepin’-Parker. The first Sunday of NFL and there I was. Like many of us, I had my snacks, beverages, I had my computer set to the side, and I was logged in to ESPN Fantasy cast so that I could keep up with my team while the Texans were playing. Houston Texans vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers on opening Sunday. Matt Schaub. Andre Johnson. This was going to be good.
The feelings of excitement that I felt at 11:59am this morning quickly vanished. I don’t know about you, but within an hour, a string of events ruined this Sunday. Most of this was due to the Texans performance against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But other factors were also at play.
Almost simultaneously, the game began and so did my wife. She was in rare form. You may have a girlfriend that is similar. You know, the kind with a heart of gold but know as much about sports as most of us know about Spanish after two years of high school foreign language-just enough curse words to get us in trouble. So, as she is want to do during those down times when NOTHING is going on-you know the ones like the Super Bowl, the NCAA basketball Final Four, the Masters golf tournament-she decides that it is time to bond. Lets talk about our week. Let’s talk about the vacation that we are planning in the year 2020. Let’s talk about the new inventions in kitchen utensils that can make our life easier. No, I am not kidding. But Joy is one in a million, so she took it one step further.
Joy: “Have you seen this thing that we can buy to clean zip-lock bags so that they can be reused?”
Me: “Nope.”
Joy: “Don’t you hate it when you have to go do a number 2, get to the restroom, get comfortable, grab you favorite I-am –fat-and I-should-wear-more-reds magazine, and the NOTHING happens?”
Me: “Yes.”(I would have at least commented that would not be my magazine of choice but that would have started another conversation. Advice to you – use one word answers as often as possible if you can get away with it.)
Joy: “Do you ever wonder if I say things just to hear myself talk?”
Me: “Punt.” (This is our household catchphrase from Mike Greenberg of Mike and Mike in the Morning for me to stay out of trouble. It is basically a free pass that allows me to say something in response, yet use my 5th Amendment rights. I highly recommend it to all of you that, like me, tend to have Foot-In-Mouth Disease.)
I am not kidding. She really asked that. Now I don’t know about you, but this goes in the category of “Do these jeans make me look fat?”, “Do you like dinner?” and “Do you like my mother?”
Well, at least the wonderful woman that is my wife knows what she is doing when posing these kinds of questions. Remember when you were a kid, and you would blow up a balloon? Then, holding the end between your thumb and index finger, you would intermittently let part of the air out. If you did it right, as the air left the balloon, you might even get it to sound like it was farting. So this is what she does. She slowly lets out all my air, smiling all the way. Now, don’t get the idea that my wife is a horrible person, she is always quick to blow me right back up with all of the great stuff-you know backrubs, freshly baked pies, and bringing me a beer in a frosted mug when I didn’t even ask. God, what a woman! (There are other benefits too, but this is not that kind of column.)
Anyway, back to the story. The game started and well, you saw it-not good. After it got to 14-0 Pittsburgh, I was a little worried. Maybe, I should have worried earlier, but as we know a 7-0 lead is nothing in this league. In fact, even though it had looked bad from the start, we have seen games that started like that; and, by the forth quarter, the game has still yet to be decided. In fact, last Thursday’s game was a great example of just that scenario. But when it gets to 14-0 it may not be a red alert, but it could be in a matter of minutes. So, the Texans were down 14-0 and about to receive the kickoff. They were in desperate need of a good drive, points, first downs, yards, anything to stem the tide. I am glued to the television while taking an occasional peak back to the computer to check my fantasy score.
At this point, I should mention my fantasy team not because you care about my team, but because many of you have teams of your own and can identify with my pain. So, here’s the situation-not only are the Texans losing, not only is my beautiful wife trying to get my attention worse than a four year old on a 6 hour car trip (If you are a parent, you will understand that one), but my fantasy opponent has. . . you guessed it! Willie Parker!
So, Houston is losing and about to start probably the most critical drive of the game, the questions about inane aspects of life are coming from my wife, and Parker is running free like he’s eight years old and chasing the ice cream truck.
Then it happened. My wife asked me to go to the store. She wanted milk and she wanted it now. We love milk at my house. In fact, it is our most commonly consumed beverage, well that and beer, and both usually served in a frosted mug, ahhhhhh! So being a loving husband, and with the store just down the street, I was obligated to perform a quick ‘honey-do’. Besides I have a DVR. So off I went. I didn’t know that my Jeep could get to 85 mph in 3 blocks! But it did. Quickly I rushed into the store and to the milk section. Why do all stores keep their milk in the back? I actually know why, but could care less about the marketing strategies of grocers at this very moment. To the cashier and back to the Jeep I went. Then, I made the quick trip home. I arrived and quickly put the milk in the fridge and set down to watch the game.
It was over. You know the over when the clock is still running, the teams are still playing but the score is a bizzilion to almost nothing. It was that kind of over. I was so disgusted, I didn’t even want to rewind and see what plays I missed. Matt Schaub was spending most of his time on his back. Defense was getting dominated. There was no need. Meanwhile, in my fantasy league game Willie Parker, Willie Parker was on his way to 31-bleepin’- points. Final score: Pittsburgh Steelers 38-Houston Texans 17. Willie Bleepin’ Parker.
Keywords: Andre Johnson, Houston Texans, Matt Schaub, NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers, Willie Parker
