Funny Sports Quotes Returns!!

November 25, 2008

default user icon
John Barfield

Funny Sports Quotes Returns!!

This is an ongoing record of the funniest sport quotes from the major and local sports talk shows like ATH, PTI, Jim Rome, etc.  Feel free to contribute some of you own from TV and radio or comment on the ones you see here. Your new quotes will be integrated daily as part of the ongoing record.  To post a quote or make a comment just follow the comment link at the bottom.

Added November 25 by a reader - Thanks Brandon!:

From Brandon Vincent who read this in GQ magazine by Fred Smoot, now CB for the Redskins.  "70 percent of the world is covered by water, the rest is covered by Smoot".

      Woody Paige’s  Chalkboard Quotes- (updated after his appearances on ATH) 

November 21, 2008

             "I'm a vol-in-tears"

             "Come to the dork side"

             "ATH is a circus, and I'm in the freak tent"


November 20, 2008


“I’m the windshield, Plaschke is the bug.”

“Man with 1 chopstick go hungry.”

“That’s unpossible.”


November 19,2008


“Scoop Woody Dogg”

“I’m Woody and I approve this message.”

“Running out of chalk”


November 17, 2008


“I can predict yesterday’s scores.”

“My best friends are imaginary.”

“My shoes are older than Reali.”


November 14, 2008


“Never play strip ATH with Plaschke.”

“Please don’t sue me when I blow your mind.”

“Shhhhh! Woody’s talking.”


November 13, 2008


“UFO’s are real. Bigfoot told me so.”

“Cows are moooooody.”


November 12, 2008


“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”

“If it weren’t for electricity, we’d be watching ATH by candlelight.”

“It’s wonderful to be in the great state of Denver.”


November 11, 2008


“To all veterans: Happy Day!”

“To all panelists: eat my chalk”

“Most lies about me are false”


November 10, 2008


“Improve the show; Let me go solo.”

“Meet my demands or I’m walking”

“ATH would get canceled without me”


November 7, 2008


“I don’t mispronounciate my words.”

“Dealer in high grade fertilizer”

“If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it.”


November 5, 2008


“Never believe in mirrors or newspapers”

“The best mind-altering drug is truth”

“Out of ideas 4 blackboard”


November 4, 2008


“Voted before the show, will vote again after”

“Knowledge talks, wisdom listens.”


November 3, 2008


“Decorate yourself from the inside out”

“A critic is a legless man who teaches running”

“Bob has a face like a saint—A saint Bernard”


October 31, 2008


“Solution to nothing”

“Bill is too slow to keep worms in a tin”

“I told you I was sick!”


October 30, 2008


“Never insult anyone by accident”


October 29, 2008


“If life is a stage, I’d like better lighting”

“Do computers cough when they get a virus?”


October 28, 2008


“World Series: The Imperfect Storm”

“Bud Selig is not the reignmaker”

“In Philly, when it rains, it’s poor”


October 24, 2008


“3 Kinds of Lies


-Damned Lies


“Do you put powdered cheese on popcorn shrimp?”

“Call me Drow the Plumber”


October 23, 2008


“I either get what I want or I change my mind”

“I only work to enjoy when I am not working”

“One drop of ink may make a million think”


October 22, 2008


“You can’t be late until you show up!”

“Free advice is worth what you paid for it”

“It’s good to be clever, but not to show it”


October 17, 2008


“Ask no questions and hear no lies”

“Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.”


October 16, 2008


“Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don’t”

“Pinky Lee would play with a broken finger”

“ManRam for sale: priceless”


Wednesday, October 15, 2008


“I have an inferiority complex but it’s a good one.”

“The only genius with an IQ of 60.”

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”


Tuesday, October 14, 2008


“The thief of bad gags.”

“The average person thinks he isn’t”


Monday, October 13, 2008


“Misfortunes and twins never come singly”

“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.”

“Listening to Tim is like wading through glue.”


Friday, October 10, 2008


“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”

“Wanna do something? I’m board.”

“Deja Moo: The feeling that you have heard this B.S. before.”


Thursday, October 9, 2008


“I already have my Halloween costume.”

“I put my Christmas tree up today.”


Wednesday, October 8, 2008


“Drop the zero and get with the hero.”

“Totally Tubular”

“I must break you.”


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

 “Saved by the bell horn”

“Born and raised in St. Olaf”

“Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho”

 Monday, October 6, 2008  “Give me points or lose me forever.”

“First class forgetter”

“I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.”


Friday, October 3, 2008


“Blackboard out sick. Whiteboard rules!”

 Thursday, October 2, 2008  “Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon Jay.”

“Aliens are abducting sexy old people. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“Men who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.”

 Wednesday, October 1, 2008  

“Yoga is for posers”

“Math uses: 50% equations; 50% proofs; 50% formulas

 Tuesday, September 30, 2008  

“Sweetness is as sweetness does.”

“Sorry for my self confident self.” Monday, September 29, 2008  “Camels have 3 eyelids. Why???”

“Slugs have 4 noses. Why???”

“Mariotti has 1/2 a brain. Why???”


Friday, September 26, 2008


“Before they made Mariotti, they broke the mold

“Dangerously undermedicated

“Single by choice. . . not my choice”


Thursday, September 25, 2008


“A line is a dot that went for a walk.”

“I am still hot. It just comes in flashes.”

“Cancel my subscription. I don’t need your issues.”


Wednesday, September 24, 2008


“Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.”

“I can tell Jay’s wrong. His lips are moving.”


Tuesday, September 23, 2008


“Did NOT win an Emmy.”

“My stock is way ↑”

“Who’s going to bailout Mariotti?”


Monday, September 22, 2008


“I’m too humble to brag.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.”


Wednesday, September 17, 2008


“Should there be instant replay for Reali’s calls?”

“I hope when you see me you smile.”


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

“Talk the talk. Chalk the chalkboard.”

“Anyway we can speed this up?”


Monday, September 15, 2008

“Dream more. Work less.”

“Watching me online is virtually the best.”


Friday, September 12, 2008


“If you ain’t first, you’re Mariotti.”

“I’m part genius, part buffoon.”

“Jay has had a great show. But this wasn’t it.”


Thursday, September 11, 2008


“I either get what I want or change my mind.”

“There are 3 ninjas on this blackboard. Try to find them.”

“A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.”


Wednesday, September 10, 2008


“Everyone says I’m in denial, but I’m not.”

“Strangely enough, only 26% of pirates wear prescription eye patches.”

“I nap at work.”


Monday, September 8, 2008


“Let’s constantly turn the conversation back to me.”

“I went zoot suit shopping and all I got was this lousy blackboard.”

“I make over 4 figures a year.”


Friday, September 5, 2008


“A house without a toilet is uncanny.”

“Men who sit on tacks get the point.”


Thursday, September 4, 2008


“I’ll never forget this-for a long time.”

“Men who live in glass houses should change in the basement.”

           “Help! I’ve fallen & I can’t shut up.”


Wednesday, September 3, 2008


“Customer service: Putting people on hold since 1959.”

“I’m smiling. That alone should scare you.”

   Other quotes from other shows!  Wednesday, October 15, 2008 

“What if the greatest cyclist ever came out of retirement but didn’t ride in the Tour de France? Wouldn’t that be like Aretha Franklin going back to the studio to record covers of Brittany Spears’ songs?” - J. A. Adande of ESPN on PTI talking about Lance Armstrong

 Wednesday, September 10, 2008
"Carlos turned into marmalade last night." - Woody Paige of ESPN(ATH) and the Denver Post on the performance of Carlos Marmol of MLB's Chicago Cubs.    Tuesday, September 9, 2008 " . . . Mike Ditka who is the Principal of the Old School." - Mike Greenberg on Hall of Famer Mike Ditka  Monday, September 8, 2008 "Stupid is as stupid does." - Mike Ditka on DeAngelo Hall of the NFL's Oakland Raiders late hit out of bounds versus the Denver Broncos. (which was immediately folloed by another late hit by Hall)  "We don't know about quarterbacks in Chicago, 'cause we don't have 'em."- Michael Wilbon of ESPN  

“You ain’t got no high octane. You‘re going on that regular gas.” – Chris Carter of ESPN on the New England Patriots without Tom Brady

 Sunday, September 7, 2008 

“Don’t tell me about the pain. Just deliver the baby.” – Trent Dilfer of ESPN on the New England Patriots without Tom Brady


                                                             Thank you for visiting. Bookmark this site.

Posted by John Barfield | Like this post? Share it:
Share on Facebook Share on MySpace Digg This Story Stumble it! Reddit Save to Add to my Technorati Favorites Save to Google Bookmarks Hype it on!


  1. I don't know if this fits in here but I read a great quote in GQ magazine by Fred Smoot, now CB for the Redskins.  "70 percent of the world is covered by water, the rest is covered by Smoot".

    Brandon VincentBrandon Vincent on Wednesday, 26 November 2008, 03:35 PST # |

You must be logged in to post a comment.

This site is not affiliated, owned, or controlled or otherwise connected in any way to the Houston Texans or the National Football League (NFL) or any of its entities.